As I strive to tighten my discipline, I have observed in myself a curious phenomenon… More like an ongoing case of mutiny. Intellectual rebellion.
I will make a decision based on “deeper” things, but quickly find a short time later that my mind is willing to reject said decision under just about any circumstance. Could be unexpected difficulty, unresolved insecurities, hurt feelings, or just because it’s Tuesday. It’s dangerously close to insanity really. If the doctor gives you a prognosis, and prescribes a daily cup of carrot juice as the remedy, then good golly you drink the carrot juice. Whether you like it or not. Whether it’s your daily habit or not. You do it (or at least you ought to).
Because your life is too valuable.
Anybody who would deny the drinking of the carrot juice would be immediately deemed unwise by some, and idiotic by many. Because your LIFE is at stake.
And yet I find this perplexing conflict within me… It’s not so much that I sometimes shrug off prior made deeper decisions at the insistent justification of my mind, but the fact that I actually feel that I WANT to. Does this mean I don’t value my life (or don’t understand HOW to value my life)? My mind is quite adept, for all intents and purposes, at convincing me that I want to be unhealthy.
This is immensely disturbing.
Particularly because it’s not something trivial on the chopping block, like which shoes best accent my shirt.
I am dealing with the neglect of decisions made for deeper reasons, and these “deeper” reasons are spiritual.
Spiritual convictions should never be displaced by intellectual convenience.
Let me digress here to say… For the atheist, doubter or unbeliever, “spiritual reasoning,” has no immediate weight. That is until such a person encounters unbearable grief or insurmountable joy. Until they are driven to promote a cause or uphold any type of discernible morality. Until they try to gain the favor of karmic forces, insist on positive vibes, or release good energy into the world. All of these instances are fueled by something outside of physical reason and sensory rationale. Those of us who are more attuned to life (though not necessarily more proficient at living it) don’t dance around the bush. We recognize all such inferences and deeper motives as spiritual, and call them such.
As the wind through the windmill generates electrical power, so the spiritual through the physical generates livingpower.The source of this entire spiritual realm and flow is who we mean when we say God. The Creator. Jesus. There is more, but that suffices for the purposes of this text.
So my spiritual convictions inform my physical actions in every practical way. I know that I don’t just want to live, but that I want to live with POWER. Make a lasting difference. Use my entire being for the sole purposes of things that truly matter. Nurturing relationships is one of them. But my conflict comes when I turn my eye to my personal endeavors and ambitions. Music, poetry, theatre. Outreach, dancing, linguistics.
These are things that I earnestly desire to do, not merely because they interest me, but because I have a vision for each one that satisfies my deeper spiritual drive and longing. And I believe that’s what the concept of “passion” or “dream” truly is. What interests do you have a vision for that satisfies your spiritual convictions?
Spiritual convictions aren’t always deep. Doing something for the fun or simple enjoyment of it can easily fall into that category. For instance, one may enjoy horse back riding, but not at the expense of a moral violation. One may enjoy sexual activity with one’s spouse, but doesn’t go about having sexual activity with any spouse he or she meets for that would dissolve the union with the one to whom one has vowed oneness to. Both cases, not dictated by physical logic or sensory rationale (quite the opposite actually), are fueled by spiritual convictions.
“But isn’t your mind with you when the decision is made?” you may ask.
Yes indeed. You are correct.
And that’s when I had an interesting sort of revelation. I was driving recently, pondering it all. I was… Out of sorts, to say the least. Morbidly frustrated and ready to quit everything, to say the most. It wasn’t a good day. I’d mentally knocked off just about every spiritually based decision I’d carefully made over the last couple of weeks. Resolving, in some crude fashion, to bring solace through inactivity and mediocrity. Nonsensical, yes I know. But that is not the point. The point is what follows.
I caught myself.
Almost as if I was temporarily divorced from my own being, I saw me thinking thoughts contrary to my spiritual convictions and weaving together a delusional illusion life that I wanted no parts of. I stopped all thought processes immediately. (I think I was shocked more than anything else) I perceived the magnitude of it, and wondered how many times prior I’d missed it. As the shock wore off, my mind attempted to get back to destroying my life, but I reeled that bad boy in.
I consciously injected a reigning thought into my head and kept reiterating it until compliance occurred. That reigning thought was simple. “I’m upset right now and in no condition to make deep life choices.” Period. End of story.
And as small a moment as that was in the physical realm, I believe it was monumental in the spiritual. Some part of my identity, and thus my purpose, was taken back. Snatched from the jaws of not just the enemy, but my own rebellious flesh.
And yet, understand that the mind can be a great hindrance for all the same reasons that it’s a great help.
Don’t hesitate to reel that puppy in.