My name is Joshua Evans.
For the last two years, up until the last week of May this year, I was essentially homeless.
I am traditionally an intellectual who defaulted to extensive flirting, to cope with my failed relationships and relationship attempts.
I am 23 years old.
On Thanksgiving, 2013 I proposed to the love of my life… she said yes.
And that’s when things got real.
That’s when I realized that there were still some burgeoning elements that needed water’s life force and the kiss of sunlight.
Being engaged… is like closing a door behind you- which you have zero intention of ever going back through- and locking it before closing. It is the difference between “not going to do” and “can’t do.”
It is a popular phenomenon in churches today to proclaim “This is your year !!!” every New Year’s Day of every new year. And all it takes is about 72 hours into the new year to realize that no… this is, in fact, NOT my year. Lol
And it is because of this that I made it a practice to refrain from saying such things… the truth is- this could be the year God uses to break you down and build your faith. Or the year where labor and consciousness stroll hand in hand. Or the year where you are very, very single. This specific knowledge is afforded to God alone, and to whosoever He may impart, therefore to foolishly state that every new year is “your year” no matter who you are is just that… foolish.
A poet I greatly respect, by the name of Nnamdi Okafor, once said this in a well known piece of his:
“I ain’t never seen no miracle… but my being here has to account for something.”
This is, in essence, a summary caption of my 2013 experience.
Like I said- I stopped propagating emotional existentialism years ago… but as 2013 approached, I could feel the truth of this inner knowing reverberating deep within me… This is going to be an amazing year. Of course I didn’t breathe a word of this to anyone-I took life’s knocks on the chin like everyone else and watched what happened.
In 2013 I produced a sex trafficking awareness fundraiser that raised 1,000 dollars. I received very gainful employment. Moved into my own apartment. Became friends with this girl that I thought was cool, but definitely didn’t like… only to have the game flipped and end up dating her. Not only that- she got all the approval one could ever ask for (mother, Pastor, close “no” friends, grandmother, dad, her parents, etc). I began leading the prayer team at my church. I’ve been a rock for my family in numerous ways. I bought an engagement ring with my own money. I proposed.
I am going to give the “I’m not bragging” disclaimer here, in hopes that I do not need it… I am not bragging– there is no tangible way to articulate the hell that 2013 has cost me. Nevertheless, this year has been CRAZY! What has been mentioned are the fireworks of summer nights- the “big” things. There has been plenty of filler.
But after the engagement, I began to feel a cold, knotting pressure… a sickening weight I had not fully anticipated… that pervading sense of “Welcome to the big leagues kid.” Dating, seriously dating, seriously SERIOUSLY dating… those things come with an accepted off switch. A back door. The right to say “never mind,” and keep it pushing in life. Dating is permissibly hollow only until it’s not. But to be engaged? That’s radically different. Bragging about not being afraid of heights, and then feeling the wind whip through your clothes and tear up your eys as the leading person plummets out of the plane, potentially to his death… his fate tied to his faith in a parachute that he didn’t test.
And I’m one of those folks who doesn’t believe in proposing until you KNOW. Proposing is saying “let’s get married soon,” for me. There is no back door. No out. Just the cowabunga plunge. I KNOW. I proposed. And something has still been tugging at me…
What if I fail?
By myself, alone in my world… failure is fine. It’s just me. But to fail with a fiance by my side… and eventually a wife… the thought alone has been crippling. What if I fail? Mind you, there’s been no definitive description of failure for me to identify with. Cheating or any of those things isn’t a temptation- I don’t want nunna yall. Lol
But still… the idea of failing plagued me… my fiance is my tandem partner and so- what if the parachute doesn’t open? A front for the real question- what if my faith is not real… or sufficient? And then I had a sit down with one of my friendtors…
Long story short, one of the main things I walked away with out of that conversation was- it’s time to activate some new powers. Who I’ve been, and what I’ve been capable of has been arguably fine, thus far, in getting me to where I am today… but in order to tap into that next level, to be a husband, a provider, a protector, a covering… to be SUPER- I’m going to have to activate some new powers.
Going to have to test old limits, and eliminate old weaknesses.
Going to have to overhaul my doubts and fears with daring feats of strength, faith, and creativity.
Clark Kent is the human touch who can rescue a few lives here and there behind the scenes… but it is SUPERMAN who can save the world. The two identities must become one if there is to be truth present. I’ve been “regular Josh” thus far… but there is a whole other side of me- a side that my fiance sees quite well, and believes in- that must now be more than tapped for special occasions. The side that must be embraced.
The “Super” side for lack of better description.
The two identities must become one.
New powers must be activated.
Being super isn’t “neat.” It is necessity.