I’ve been middling about this blog for a few days now… so let me just jump right into it…
I’m tired yall. Tired of being. No this isn’t a veiled suicide desire, but rather an intimate truth.
Good son, exemplary older brother, nurturing older brother, uncle, visionary, writer, practical, reputable, calm, poet, church member, The Wordsmith, friend, smile, godson, mentee, furniture mover, Christian… on and on and on. Being has got me whupped.
In my imagination it “wouldn’t be so bad” if there was an ounce of mercy in the other parties… if people realized that the thing I am most to them ISN’T all that I am. I could very well be wrong though. Take a toy from a child, and he/she will throw a fit. Upset an adult’s theology/ideology and you get the same thing. If that revelation ever hit anybody and they gave me “permission” to be me- all of me- I might end up totally alone and deserted.
… which might not be such a bad thing. At least then I’d get to be me freely. But then I wouldn’t be able to change lives, help, or inspire so maybe not. **shrug**
I have a line in a song that I wrote that goes “All the different people, don’t know I care like crazy/ All they know is I’m different, and so they call me crazy.”
My entire life is dedicated to the human race in Jesus’ Name- check my vision board if you don’t believe me. I’ve got nothing but love for people. Plenty of annoyance and disgustedness too, but that has nothing to do with the love felt or shown.
It’s a graceless burden…
L’enfer c’est les autres
And to keep it all the way one hunnid- I COULD actually easily manage it all and not grow weary by focusing on God’s glory if yall weren’t here. Seriously. I feel very much like the most complex aspect of having to do life in relationship with God isn’t Satan or life- it’s YOU. Having to constantly be authentically on for you.
I’ve been on my Jean-Paul Sartre lately… “Hell is other people.” It was funny in school, but startling in real life.
It sounds dramatic, and perhaps it is, but only marginally. For the duration of my life I have been thoroughly and systematically excommunicated from every group of anything I’ve ever been a part of. Very carefully taken aside and explained to why who I am simply isn’t a fit, and to “get with the program” if I wanted to still have feelings of acceptance to feed on. Either that or somehow, via some unspoken communication, the group would just… change.
Churches, ministries, school groups, writer’s groups, creative groups… makes no difference.
Naturally this sent me back to the drawing board over the years. Caused me to do some deep soul searching. Surely the problem was me?? I’m the common denominator. Well- that all went out the window when I stumbled upon a small handful of people who accepted and welcomed ME. All of me. For who I was. Which gave me freedom to become a greater me. That window shut when I came into my own as far as personal identity.
Young, Gifted, and Black
Thanks mom and dad for these great genes… However a warning to the people would’ve been QUITE helpful.
You see, what I eventually figured out was- I AM different. I won’t naturally “fit in” to every crowd- not in the social sense of the word. I call it different- they call it gifted. I call it confidence- they call it cocky. I call it discerning- they call it arrogant judging.
For whatever reason, people- unless they’ve visited me up close and personal- just DON’T know how to handle me. I know I’m not better, or greater than anybody else. We’re all human. You have your particularities and I have mine. In my head it’s that simple. We work together overlapping strengths to cover weaknesses and we all grow taller and become better.
Not so for most others…
Their world is everything to them, and boat rockers, counter thinkers, and all other manner of odd beings are usually not invited in with any regularity.
If only humanity could see unity beyond social commonality…
I’m nothing special people…
I’m just… Josh. Rarely seen because of these aforementioned things, but there is a simple being underneath and it is me…
I’m sure I lost a blog follower or two… **shrug** oh well. This was on my chest.I’m a little bit lighter, so I’ll wrap up here for now.
See ya… and thank you to the readers who made it to the end.