Mountaintop

It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

These are the rocky sentiments dive bombing through the river of my thoughts.  It wasn’t supposed to be like this.  Somehow along the path of living I had picked up the belief that the more you achieve the less lonely you are.  I know- it sounds stupid.  But that’s what I thought.  From my perspective it was my ever evolving, extenuating lack that acted as forceful barrier between me and my peers.  That stood over 9 feet tall between the me emerging from childhood identity and the friends that I perceived awaited me in adulthood.

Not so.

If I’m honest – and I suspect the same would be true of many others if they were also – I don’t have many friends… I have an exorbitant supply of familiar acquaintances.  And for most of my life I blamed that truth on some deeply ingrained personal flaw, spiraling and disoriented, somewhere deep in my psyche… One that I thought would be exposed and corrected once I approached some level of social equilibrium… like working consistently and making my own way in this world after having gone astray for so long.

Not so.

Destiny calls the fallen.

A soft whisper meandering through my complacent acceptance of life chaos… A challenge to flight on the days I am most aware of my own great strength… A demand for excellence when I feel disjointed and want to throw in the towel.

I thought that making money and establishing myself- creating small pools of success, and showing everyone around me that I too could work as hard as (if not harder) than they did- was an end unto itself.  I was so very mistaken, for it was not an end, but the barest of beginnings.  A final rising up out of the muck and downward suction of swampy marshland, and – chest heaving – pulling myself onto the smooth coolness of the bottom most stepping stone.

Eyes turned upward seeking congratulating faces, and warm embraces, cleaning me off and telling me that at long last I’ve made it…

Empty silence.

People are proud, but in the way when they expected you to have accomplished something all along.  It is more a rejoicing of you no longer sucking, than at what you have recently gained.  And even beyond that… nobody can see the ridiculous character transformation that took place deep within.  No one sees the psychological advances.  The intellectual prowess.  No one truly knows that you’ve come into your own.

This is unfulfilling and it was not supposed to be… unless…

Unless there is more for me.  Destiny.

Ever upward… No turning back… Ever onward… Staying on track…

This is all that’s left for me.

Destiny’s call breeds a different kind of lonely.

It’s that “I’m talking to God all the time, yet seemingly not at all… Reaching out to people just to feel the touch of their existence to know that I’m still alive and justifiably human” type of lonely.  More often than not, extensive time with God fills that void.  But sometimes… it doesn’t.  Sometimes I’m left to own this particular piece of my reality.  The call of my life and the weight of His glory that I’m meant to bear is quite distinctive- not everybody is allowed in this small circle of light that I cast.

That much is beyond certain.

And trying to forcibly bring people in, or manipulate my light to go be with others is akin to trying to surf on a brick board or light a torch to see in a dark, and gaseous room.

Pretty much not good.

But yet and still- this feeling persists.  Most days I can speed past it, but when life slows down to meet me face to face I phase into this emotional maze and try to pull out before I go crazy.  Loneliness hurts, no matter WHO you are.  And when your life revolves around finding a way to win at life to serve the people… it hurts in an entirely different way.

Mountaintop.

I’m not there yet… But that’s certainly where I’m going.  They say it’s lonely up there, and I used to think that was odd, but now I see that it’s the final form of the loneliness acquired along the journey.

Through countries frayed

And souls ablaze…

One head is tucked,

Leading through the maze…

Ever upward… No turning back… Ever onward… Staying on track…

A lonely mystery,

Noticed, but not seen by any…

Yet steady is his step… steady is his step…

That odd man has got the mark of destiny.”  –“The Mark”

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