Throughout my life I’ve consistently been concerned with getting “it” wrong. It has been a nagging paranoia, an almost overwhelming sense of the floodgates of hell bursting past the dam of death and flooding me with its failing virutes. Every decision I made, every thought I pondered, every calculation I supposed in my head- it was all tainted with this gigantic fear. The fear of getting “it” wrong. And then one day (several days actually- this year) different people have asked me…
What is “it”?
Each time, I would confidently open my mouth to reply… and was startled at my inability to give a clear cut, concise answer. Inexhaustibly armed with wit however, I would find myself stringing together an amusing, defensive verbal deflection like an outtake from the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air… Funny is great and all, but in the moments after I still had honesty to deal with…
What was “it,” and how did “it” become to pivotal to my life?
On a basic level, one would assume that if there was a center to one’s life from which was exerted the gravitic pull to the elements meant to most fulfill it- said center should be clearly defined.
My center was not clearly defined.
If you’re not driven by something, you’re more than likely driven by nothing.
This doesn’t necessarily mean that you aren’t going anywhere… it just means that where you’re going doesn’t matter. Has little or no relevance- minimal at best. It’s like the family is going on vacation to Rome, and you’re hungry so you forsake the flight to grab some Mickey Dees. Oh you certainly went somewhere… it just didn’t matter. NOR was it were life had intended for you to go.
I was hesitant to believe that my life could be revolving around such intangible echoes of purposelessness… but as I began to look at the evidence, it didn’t bode well.
-My dreams were not driving me to overcome
-My passions drained me of energy
-I was naturally hopeless/depressed, rather than hopeful and joy filled
-I greatly understood community as a concept, but regressed in effective practice
-Jealousy made more than a few rounds on my block
-I sought God, but only unto the limit that I could comprehend Him… I did not trust Him in His infinitude
-Greater awareness, wisdom, and insight was being afforded to me, but I became more prone to selfishness
The list goes on….. And it was all held together neatly in the galling saran wrap of non-progression. Or rather – non-progression in the lane I desired to travel on… All because of “it” and my dual inability to define it, andnotbe driven by it.
Until one particular small group where Danielle Truitt (check out her site here) said something interesting that caught my eye…
Your life is just a little out of tune.
She did not say it to me directly, but she might as well have. It was one of those moments where the light bulb comes one, but you quickly shut it off, almost afraid to hope.
Mentally I clenched that chain oh so tightly- still seeing spots in my soul from the brief flash of truth that had just occured. I wrote the phrase down thought…
And then the Spirit of God began to work in me as He translated the full message to me…
You’re not crazy… God hasn’t abandoned you… Your life is just a little out of tune.
WHAT A RELIEF!!!!!!!!
That’s what my insides cried out. It was the “mountain out of molehills” thing all over again but sort of in reverse… Whatever “it” consisted of, was mountainous in nature… but the truth of what I needed to live out was a molehill in practice. It was like showing up to take a trigonometry test, and then when you sit down it’s your 5 times tables.
Think about it. If the overall “block” or hindrance to having a purpose driven life, filled with the elements meant to saturate it is due to lack of fine tuning rather than the wrong instrument altogether- that’s incredible.
Not only did the ever illusive “it” no longer matter- I had no need to discover what it was! My one and only focus is tuning this piano that is my life… and should the transition come about where my life instrument changes- then I’ll focus on tuning that as well.
Now- here’s a bit more transparency…….
Turns out tuning is an art form. One that I am still learning- still grappling with. Sometimes (too often in my opinion), I revert to fearing “it,” because of all the discord in my life… but then the revelation returns.
Discordant is not synonymous with disqualified– it just means a little more tuning is in order.
I hope to share some of these “tuning nuggets” in the near future with you all… And I’d gladly love to hear some of yours.
Of course this could turn out to be one of those things where the heart posture of tuning is tuning in and of itself, and once we learn to strum cohesively to purpose, we naturally progress into playing by ear…