My dear readers, I value you ever so greatly. Thank you for your patience as I took an unexpected series of twists and turns on my inner journey. While those twists and turns choked up my blogging ability, they also created a deeper blogging experience.
So without further ado, I present you with this – the first blog of a trio of blogs detailing only the most crucial aspects of my most recent journey. Each blog will also be exponentially expanded and united together into a book, which I hope to release in a few months (if not sooner).
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I think too much.
Or at least I did.
Any major decisions to be made, any spiritual conundrums to be deciphered… I never spent time solving them. I thought about ways to solve them. Those are not quite the same thing. In fact, it’s rather deceiving because it makes sense to process everything mentally before executing a particular course of action… But there’s a such entity as too much of a good thing.
Loosely speaking there are two categories of people on the planet… Thinkers, and Movers. The cerebrally inclined, and the action inclined. Neither is superior to the other because the fullness of life lies in the balanced juxtaposition of both. My particular category happens to be Thinker- this means that while I naturally excel cognitively…I suffer in the area of action.
Thus, I discovered that the safeguard for Thinkers lies in action- thinking further keeps me in my natural environment and thereby insulated against change.
Of course we know better than to form a blind religion out of that statement- I’m not saying to NOT think. I’m saying when you’re stuck thinking, to make a move. And the same in reverse- if you’re stuck in cyclical action, pause and think. Yin and Yang. Complimentary forces.
Soooo what were you overthinking so much that it took you away from us, your beloved readers?
Ah- I’m glad you asked 🙂
I had entered into the “realization” of the Matrix nature of my life. I did not know what was real anymore because the fascimiles and the genuine both claimed the title of true reality. And on this path of recognizing that- I cried out to God initially. Committed myself to His way- took the red pill so to speak… Annnd then after that, everything went crazy.
Suddenly my perception/awareness/acceptance of everything began to warp… Was God real? How did I know? Why pray? What’s the use? What gave me the right to think that my dreams could change the world? Why didn’t Biblical miracles occur anymore? If God’s will was going to happen regardless, then what was the point of my existence? (contemplated suicide heavily for a few weeks, including a practice attempt) What is real friendship? What relationships matter? What is real love? Romantic love? How had I gotten it wrong? Why did God seem to work for everyone else except me? Why couldn’t I close the blinders of my inquiring spirit and just be blind like so many others seemed to be? Why did the things that make me special not seem to work in my favor for ME? No breaks in my poetry, or writing… Not an exhorbitant amount of visits to my blog…
EVERYTHING was put on the dicing table.
And with no continued action of any sort implemented to change my life… I thought myself into submission.
The ability to see the Big Picture is for the express purpose of helping you orient your foundational steps.
My curse- is that I could see the Big Picture. My creativity still worked. I’m a Thinker- a visionary. I had long vision like binoculars, and could see a greater future for the earth… for the Kingdom… and my role in it.
But I just sat in it! On that couch I lay depressed… Mind whirling between positive thoughts and suicidal ones. Wishing for blindness, yet subliminally hoping that somehow the Big Picture would manifest itself for me and get my life in gear. You see??
Life does not get in gear for me- I get me in gear, and life adjusts. The river of life flows along the riverbend of my actions.
As Thinkers, we are conditioned (rightly so) to have confidence in the power of our mental ability. We use our minds to find the correct actions to execute, in order to make a change in the situation.
But remember what I said about there being such an entity as too much of a good thing?
Inaction is a poison. There is a very fine line between patient consideration, and devastating inaction… and a Thinker tends to fall prey to the latter. As I did. Then of course there are fears, doubts, hesitation to acknowledge certain weaknesses, loss of belief… These all lead to being poisoned by inaction.
Inaction is a paralyzing agent… For the Thinker, it gives the illusion of contemplation, when really it is a complex mental/physical paralysis.
And then it culminates in… complacency. Resting in the cradle of inaction leads to complacency… a sort of delusion that the miserable life situation, confusion, and ensuing inaction isn’t all that bad.
And in the end, the Thinker is driven to the most preposterous conclusion… something so utterly beyond comprehension, and against the instinct of our intuition that we deem it insanity…..
When stuck in a situation, where Thinking becomes cyclical rather than transformational- any action is better than no action.
It’s tough. Grueling. Seems so stupid really… But that’s where I wound up. That’s where we all end up.
But here’s what I learned- my thinking nature is my “super power.” Taking that “any action” move shakes things up enough to kick my thinking and corresponding action back into functional gear. In laymen’s terms? I end up better off than had I remained in thought about it.
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And that is where I leave things. That is how I thought myself into submission. The next phase of my journey will be layed out in part 2 of this blog series, entitled “The Will To Live.”