Slow Spring Into Maturity

I love moms.

Mostly because I love MY mom.

I was recently going through some things, and I reached out to her for insight on myself ya know?  She and I are very close, and she’s known me my whole life (well up to the present day anyway).  I had recently discovered that for whatever reason I lacked internal fortitude to maintain perseverance until.  I would always stop part way- regardless of how much I wanted something, or was determined… whenever I stopped, it was always for the same thing.  I didn’t know what that “thing” was, but it was always similar feelings.  Easily recognizable.

Like that prickly feeling you get when you’re being watched?  You don’t actually feel any physical sensations, but it’s just that feeling… and every time you get that feeling you know you’re being watched.

Same here.  Whenever I found myself quitting – especially from things I KNEW I wanted/wanted to achieve- I discovered that this mysterious “feeling” was present.

And thus, I ended up in conversation with my mother… asking about myself.  Asking why.  What exactly is inside of me causing this?

The following was more or less her reply…

A spirit of perfection.

Ever since I was ten, I had a strong perfectionist spirit inside of me.  To the extreme of, if I could not do/achieve it with ease, or within my perceived time expiration of success- I wouldn’t do it.  To some extent this was a by-product of my father’s “fly or die” way of child rearing, but it was also because I had deep seated pride inside myself.

That’s what my mother revealed to me.

The root of perfectionism is pride

Perfectionism says that the way you view the situation is the way that it is regardless of anything else.  It is all about YOU, rather than the integrity of the situation.  Pride is all about self.  And of course I also had a complicated version of it- I also did not want to appear wrong.

Perfectionism is profoundly adverse to showing flaw

Socially I was consumed with not revealing any flaws…. ever…. in anything.

The remedy?

Humility.

Extreme humility.

I’ve got to bludgeon my pride with humility… expose my flaws… pick something, start it, and finish it no matter what.

These keys will help uproot this beast, and release me to be me.  To be free.

Sooooooo in my efforts to enforce this, please bear with me dear readers as I give you the never before released or publicly stated view into myself….. Moreso my flaws… Not as a manner of boasting, but of releasing.  Of gleaning the super abilities of transparency….

The following does not define me.  Let me make that clear… It is merely a revealing of my “other side” so to speak… the aspects of myself that I keep hidden, and under a bushel as much as I can from those around me…

THE BIG REVEAL

-Although I have friends, I’m convinced that most of them don’t think much of me…

-I keep to myself often, because I grew up different, and don’t feel I have relatable casual conversation…

-I always wonder if girls talk to me because I’ve managed to become a nicer person, or just cuz I have flirt residue leftover from being single…

-I have inappropriate thoughts about my gf sometimes…

-I really wish my father and I could have a strong relationship…

-I love everybody at my church (The Living Room), and wish I had the courage to tell each and every one of them in person…

-I’m afraid of failure, not so much because of the failing, but because I despise looking stupid…

-I would like to not have to be witty sometimes, but I think people won’t like me or will think I’m dumb…

-One of my biggest fears is being deserted by those closest to me…

-No matter how good I become at something, I have trained myself to believe I suck…

-It deeply saddens me when people won’t support me if the path is unorthodox…

-I’m surrounded by talented people, and I secretly think that deep down they consider me an inferior artist to them…

-I’ve convinced myself that if I ever appear stupid, everybody I am fond of will turn up their noses and shun me…

-I am still learning how to manage my intellect- I am a huge thinker…

-I don’t want to fail my mother… and I am concerned that I might be…

-I have so much talent, and instinctive giftings that sometimes I feel like I’ve wasted my whole life already, because had I gotten myself together at 16 I would be lightyears ahead of where I am now…

-Everyday I wake- I am aware that the world is resting on my shoulders… waiting for me…

-I fear/am greatly concerned about becoming my dad along the path to avoid it..

 

Annnnnnnd that’s it for now!!

I will edit as necessary over the next few days (adding whatever comes to mind), and every few months I will try to remember to do something like this.  Not as a point of pride… but as a way to continually enforce humility upon myself and unrelentingly keep pride in the casket where it belongs.

Thanks for embarking on this journey with me 🙂

#Humility >

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2 thoughts on “Slow Spring Into Maturity

  1. I read this when you first published it, but I think I’m more willing to commiserate with it now. Rather than refute so much of what you said about yourself, it may serve you better to admit we’re in the same boat.

    Now, I get the connection between perfectionism and pride, and the need to bludgeon the sources of your pride in order to keep perfectionism from taking over.

    Hopefully, one day we’ll all have sprung into maturity.

    • I’m glad! I think it’s important for us to discern these long ignored truths (which were ignored for sake of coping and moderate sanity) so that the next generation can be far better armed.

      Upon re-reading this though… It’s probably time for another public bludgeoning. **le sigh**

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